When I were young.....
During pri sch, parents expected me to do well & I passed that stage w/o much difficulties. Did well enough to get into sec sch express stream, though not the sch of my choice. During sec sch, was not as pressurized cos mum always say "can study means can study, cannot study press too hard also no use." But then I told myself I had to get in JC cos at that time my aim is to get in local uni & I thought going to JC will be easier to get into uni. And once again, I did well enough to get into JC, just that not the JC of my choice again. During JC, I struggle like hell cos it's totally not what I had expected plus my class was more of the playful class so we are the "play 1st study later" type. Actually I am not obliged to go into JC, but at that time there's still a thinking that getting into poly is not that good & so I decided the JC route (which is the regret of my life I think). By year 2, I realised the importance of studying to get good result but all was too late. I think I totally suck at making decision or rather, making bad decision is my forte? And true enough, my A level result sucks ttm & I cant get into any local uni. Then I wanted to go poly but the thought of wasting 2 years in JC before going poly was kinda stupid so I decided SIM (which I think not a good choice too). If only I research well enough to know that there are actually interesting A level courses in poly, I will definitely go poly. When deciding which course to take in SIM, I chose the most popular & hardest course just cos ppl are saying that banking & finance is a better one in term of job aspect in future. After pri sch I was not pressurized by anybody to make which decision, but I was the one stressing myself out in choosing the right decision. But more often than that, I will tend to regret the decision I made (almost) every single time.
I dont/cant understand why some ppl life are smooth & well-planned. It's like they dont even need to decide on anything cos everything is planned nicely for them. Be it the friends they made, the r/s they have, the sch they went to or even the careers they will have in future. And they dont have to worry about anything in life too. During holiday, they will go on trips & enjoy themselves. Yes I admit, seeing how so many of my friends going on trips made mi feel jealous & envy. Some said they wanted to go out & enjoy while they are young. Some said they wanted to play enough before stepping into the working society. Some said it's their graduation trip for studying for the past few years & it's time to relax. And me? I dont think I will ever had a graduation trip. I reckon my 1st trip (not msia) with friends will be when I already started working for duno how long later. I cant believe I am like the only one among my friends who has never taken a plane before. Sua ku ttm only. Maybe some of u will say "aiya scully next time u will be rich & can go to as many countries as u like what". I hope so luh, but the feeling by then will be totally different already. Like now, it's holiday for me & how I wiish I can enjoy my holiday by doing stuff that I like cos it's like the last holiday before I graduate next year. But again, I pressurized myself that I need to get a job & not spend money enjoying myself/slacking everyday. I always have a thinking that ppl will always think that the I am the eldest so I have to do what I am supposed to do. I dislike expectations from ppl cos that only meant that u have to live up to their expectations so as not to disappoint anyone. Like sis's expectation of me getting a job immediately during holiday so that I wont be seen by her like I am always not contributing to the family. Or like mum's expectations of me getting a job immediately after graduation so that she can stopped working so hard & get a much flexible job instead. I know I wont be able to escape all these cos most of the times I expected myself too much also. But sometimes all these expectations made me breathless. I know it's my responsibility but too much of it can kill too. For this, I hate to be the eldest. And nope, I am not complaining. I am just trying to prove that life is NEVER fair & will never be. I can only accept that this is life, MY LIFE.
PS: Everything is okay, just that having a big quarrel with mum & sis the other day sets me thinking about many things. Suddenly I just felt lost in my life.
Labels: 同人不同命
